My first thought on walking back to my blog was… “Has it really been that long?” Good gravy, it has! It’s been almost two years since I last posted, but I have good reasons! At least I have to give myself the permission to see them as good reasons. Since this is a blog, allow me to explain.
Since May of 2014, I have not only written two other novels since Carla’s Rivet along with getting a third ready for publishing, but have been working on Carla’s second edition (the one in which I finally can fix all the things that I didn’t like with the first edition). It will be given to the world in March, two years from the original publication date. I look at that and it already seems crazy…
I’ve been in disasters of theater which had me wondering what I’d done to land myself in actor purgatory. One of those actually sent me to the emergency room – so I’ll say it here – don’t ever let anyone get so far under your skin that you can’t dig them out. I should have left that rather abusive ride, but I stayed for some pretty wonderful cast-mates. They were the gold in the pile of… well… you know.
I have been dealing with some pretty crippling writer’s doubt as well. As I sit here banging out a first draft of my blog post (which makes me nervous, too), I have also figured out just how much money I will need to really push my next novel into the world… and it’s definitely a figure that makes that little voice in my head say, “Who do you think you are?” “Do you even think you have that kind of talent to ask the world for that money?” “Do you honestly believe you’ll be anything more than a nobody author?”
I tell you, that voice is incredibly nasty. And so, I look at other people creating art and taking no crap from anyone. I understand that I’m here to make words on paper – that’s all I can think about doing, it’s what I do even when I’m not doing it. So, it’s been a bit of a learning experience – giving myself room to feel insecure, but not letting myself absorb that voice’s opinions. I’m going to jump in this time, aim for the stars, shoot for the moon so even if I fail I’ve landed among them… all those idioms we use to simply say: ‘Do it already!’
I’ve handled anxiety so bad that I believe I may be sitting on a pre-ulcer, yes, I will get to the doctor soon. It’s distressing how much I’ve allowed the world to get to me this past year, but again, it’s allowing myself to feel bad but not beat myself up for being here. If I were to put a finger on it, frankly, it’s the Universe telling me that self-care is important. I think we all can learn from that.
So – in short – it’s been a bit of a crazy ride. I’m still not rich, I wish I had an amazing update to give in that department, but that I’m hoping is in the cards later. Hah! I won’t keep on with the negative, but I will end this post with this: I’m still here, I’m still breathing and grateful for it every day. I have a beautiful family supporting me with loving and gracious words, and through it all… I’m still writing, writing, writing and making the art that I hope the world will enjoy when I’m done.
Here’s to 2016 being a better year for all!